I've been composing this post in my head for months, but sitting here trying to actually type it out is hard. I'm not exactly sure what to say or how to say it. I.Am.Terrified!

Another baby is coming in only 24 days (unless she decides she wants to come sooner) and I'm scared out of my boots! It isn't the labor I'm worried about, or the anxieties that are sure to come along with a new baby. It's just that I'm used to being a one-child-mama. I love my Deano. I love that I can give him all of my attention and love. I love that he doesn't have to share me. My heart breaks when I think about a new baby coming into his territory and taking his mamas attention away from him. I worry about the love. I know I know, everyone says the love will just be there. And I believe everyone. But I'm still scared... because I can't understand the love thing yet. I haven't experienced having to give it to more than one child. And I imagine Dean not wanting anything to do with me when he sees that sometimes, his little sister will have to come first. I've actually heard of children totally ignoring their moms for a good week after a sibling is born. I think I'd be devestated to know I'd hurt his feelings so much.
I feel bad that Dean won't get the one on one time he's so used to, both from mom and dad. He'll probably start getting more from Matt. A fact that makes me feel like he'll think he doesn't really need me so much. Maybe he'll want Matt more than me. My poor Dean... he has no idea what's really coming his way. If he were older I'd tell him that he'll still be my number one little man, and that I still love him as much as always.
When he's older he won't even remember our one on one time, because he's too young now. That makes me sad. We've had so much fun. I want him to remember what times were like when it was just him. But not remembering will keep him from feeling like things were better when it was just him. He won't really know any differently, so he won't be mad or upset that we had to divide some of our attention. I hope anyway.

Still, I'm scared and I'm a little sad.

The great paint debate

I want to paint the babys room. I like to think I can do it myself. It's just that I'm totally lacking in the creativity department. I want her room to be adorable. I want stripes or polka dots. But, do I choose stripes or polka dots? (probably stripes... they seem much easier in my mind) And how many walls should have stripes or polka dots? What colors do I paint said stripes? Her bedding is bright pink, black, and white. Her furniture is white. And I think black would just be too harsh to use on the walls, aside from small accents and accessories. So that leaves me with pink, right? And if I only paint one wall with stripes, what do I do with the other walls? Will painting all the walls with stripes leave her room looking too busy?

Forget doing it alone... who's coming to help me? I am terrible with decisions... and it's so much easier to like what someone else has done (or helped me do) vs. liking what I do on my own. I'm critical of anything I do creatively. Very.

Baby update

I had my 34 week OB appointment Thursday and all was well. I didn't even freak out about the weight gain this time, because it was actually reasonable. I was however measuring 3 weeks larger, so my doctor decided I needed an ultrasound to see how big the baby is and how much fluid I'm carrying. So Friday evening I went for the scan. She (yep, definitely a she this time) measured about 5lbs. 10oz., which put her about a week ahead. Not that I'm surprised, I kind of expect to have a bigger than average baby. And... we could see her hair floating around! I'm not going to have a bald little girl! We could see her eyelashes too. During the whole thing, she was sucking on her big toe, which I thought was adorable. Anyway, the reason I seem to be measuring so much larger is because I have about double the normal amount of fluid. Really, it's not a big deal. I had the same problem with Dean. But my doctor is pretty cautious, so he may send us to a perinatologist just to get a better feel as to why I seem to have so much extra lately. Not that I'd mind, since it's just another oppertunity to see my little girl again. Guess we'll have to wait until Monday to see what he thinks.

And yes... we're still playing the name game around here. 4 weeks and 5 days until the induction, and we haven't made a decision. I hate that I can't call her by her name. We're toying around with Lilah and Addie... and I'm trying to convince my husband that he likes Ava, but I'm not sure that one will actually make it into the mix. Any suggestions or votes?

He JUST said that

Dean and I are sitting at the kitchen counter, enjoying a snack of dry trix with cousins Kortney and Mckell. The girls are drinking pop, and Dean looks at me and says "I want pop mama." to which I respond "No pop right now.". He clearly didn't like my response because he looked at me and said "Shut up mama." I. was. stunned.! Did my two year old just tell me to shut up? We DO NOT say that in our home... ever! Really, we don't. A few days ago I was actually thinking to myself that it'd be a really long time before he learned that phrase because he just nevers hears it. Or so I thought. He got a talking to about that, so I'm hoping we can nip it early. I don't think I'm ready to have a child who says naughty things! Why can't they stay little and innocent forever!

Funny little things

The Deano and I have had a busy last couple of days, going to the farm at Thanksgiving Point on Monday, and to the Hogle Zoo on Tuesday. I assure you, I do have pictures to post of these events, it's just that they haven't been uploaded to my computer yet. Nor have the pictures of Dean (and mommy) with the Easter Bunny. When I get around to uploading them, I'll write more about our days.

When I was putting Dean down for his nap this afternoon, he said some funny things to me that I just had to write down (I guess type down would be more accurate) so that I wouldn't forget them. It's actually probably funnier to me than to any of you, but for lack of anything better to post right now, I'll share. -

After going back and forth about Dean taking a nap now (says mom) vs. later (says Dean):
D- (arms folded with his back to me and a pout on his face) "I not has a choice"
I tell him a lot that he doesn't have a choice he has to do something, like take a nap. I guess he's starting to get it.

After previous incident, I couldn't help but laugh
D- (jumping into bed) "Dean funny. I cazy (crazy) boy." (huge grin)

Every trip to the bathroom Dean runs ahead of me and darts into the computer room to hide. I usually go straight to the bathroom to wait for him. Soon enough he come dashing down the hall stopping in every room saying "go potty in here". Eventually he makes it to the bathroom where I proceed to tell him he's crazy. So every potty trip today has resulted in Dean running into the bathroom after all of his normal stops, and telling he how crazy and funny he is.

I love that crazy funny little boy. He really is quite the ham.